Just Call Me Clare Voyant

A circular hole in the ice of Chebarkul Lake where a meteor reportedly struck the lake near Chelyabinsk, about 1500 kilometers (930 miles) east of Moscow, Russia, Friday, Feb. 15, 2013.

A circular hole in the ice of Chebarkul Lake where a meteor reportedly struck the lake near Chelyabinsk, about 1500 kilometers (930 miles) east of Moscow, Russia, Friday, Feb. 15, 2013.

I usually write my Missourian essays on the Sunday before they are due. That way I can put the column away for 24-hours, reread it and edit accordingly. Most of the time my columns are pretty serious, focusing on national, Missouri and local politics. Every so often, I tire of politics and write about something different, like my quasi-annual restaurant reviews.

Last week was one of those weeks. I had been directed to a number of conspiracy sites the week before and was researching something about getting punched in the face if you insult the Queen (and I presume the King) of England while in the UK. It’s not true; the puncher would be arrested for assault.

What I did find fascinating was the prospect of asteroid 2012DA14 making a close pass, within 18,000 miles, or of little planet. In a fleeting moment of wanting to have fun, I came up with my own conspiracy theory and wrote a satirical commentary. Makes you wounder, doesn’t it? (SFX-Evil laugh)  But wait – there’s more!

A UN and  exoplanet Corot-7b conspiracy to destroy the Earth!

A UN and exoplanet Corot-7b conspiracy to destroy the Earth!

Early this morning, yes, February 15, a meteorite fell over Russia’s Ural Mountains, creating a large creator, damaging hundreds of buildings and injuring “thousands” of people.

The Huffington Post reported,

 

“The meteor hit less than a day before asteroid 2012 DA14 is to make the closest recorded pass by the Earth for a rock of its size – about 17,150 miles (28,000 kilometers). But the European Space Agency said its experts had determined there was no connection – just cosmic coincidence.”

NO, IT WASN’T JUST A COSMIC COINCIDENCE and now the ESA is involved in the great dooms-day cover-up along with NASA, the UN and the United Federation of Planets. Who next, the North Koreans?

UPDATE – A second meteor flew over San Francisco that evening. “A small sporadic meteor” was seen over the entire west coast. It most likely crashed in the SF Bay. It was not part of the Orion meteor shower due later this month. It was so bright, it destroyed the light sensor on a NASA telescope. May, just maybe, this one is the precursor to an alien invasion. SOME CALL WILL SMITH!

I PREDICTED THIS WOULD HAPPEN LAST WEEK! When so many governments and agencies say something will not, cannot happen, you know they are lying. We are DOOMED!

Now I can add to my nom de plumes of Bernie Ischcabible (the name of a 1960s Catskills Mountains’ comic) and Sam Schwartz (a family joke), Clare Voyant.  Full Name: Clarence Auric Voyant, III. I figure if a football player can be named Rosie…

I know some won’t get the joke, the satire or even some of the references, but  my conspiracy theory is better than anyone else’s conspiracy theory – this week, anyway.

However, I also know you – yes you. You are smarter than the average bear. (Sorry Yogi.) You are not as stuck-up or silly (was going to say “idiots,” but decided to keep it nice) who responded to my Missourian essay and know better. You wouldn’t believe a story from the Onion now, would you? Really? You would? Hmmmm.

About David Rosman

David is the winner of the Missouri Press Foundation's "Best Columnist" in 2013 (First Place) and 2014 (Second Place), the 2016 Harold Riback Award for excellence in writing, and the winner of the 2007 Interactive Media Award for excellence in editing.
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