My Newest Conspiricy

I’m tired of politics and need something else to talk about, so… my personal apocalyptic conspiracy theory, which of course is absolutely, positively and unequivocally true.

We know the calendars of ancient Mexico were wrong predicting the end of the world, we survived it twice in 2012. We have survived all of the mythical and biblical apocalyptic predictions since the beginning of human history. Before that, well not so much.

I am almost old enough to remember the Chicxulub, Mexico asteroid, 66,038,000 million years ago, give or take 10,000 years, which helped cause the extinction of almost all life on Mother Earth. The Winslow, Ariz. asteroid 50,000 years ago that punched a 2.5 mile wide pot mark in the desert. In 1903, another object, either an asteroid or a comet, exploded over Siberia, knocking down 800 square-miles of trees.

On February 15, asteroid 2012DA14 will “pass” the Earth. This is a “small” asteroid, about one-half the size of an American football field (I am getting ready for the World Cup). But wait…

Could this be the asteroid that will cause massive destruction on our blue space marble? Our government is saying “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” Scientists are saying 2012DA14 will absolutely, positively, and unequivocally not hit the planet. Now I am worried.

Yes, the scientists have their sophisticated computer modeling programs, mathematics and other scientific prognostication tools. They calculated there should be an 18,000 mile gap when 2012DA14 passes the earth; a hair’s breadth in astrological terms. What if it just happens to hit a satellite in geodesic orbit 18,000 miles out, couldn’t that change everything? We’re doomed.

If 2012DA14 doesn’t kill us (if you are reading this on February 16, you know the answer), then we can wait a few years for 99942 Apophis. According to Russian scientists, an “asteroid larger than two football fields could strike Earth April 13, 2036.” That’s one day before my 66,0038,082nd birthday, give or take 10,000 years. The chances 1 in 250,000 – small in astrological terms.

Not to worry, say our Russian friends. They have a plan to save the planet from Apophis. After all, Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck did it in 1998 and Clint Eastwood and Donald Sutherland again in 2000. I know these are true stories- I saw it in the movies.

Our government says it won’t happen. Who to believe, those pesky Ruskies or Obama and his cronies? I just love conspiracies.

Of course Earth is the daily target of asteroids and meteors, like the shooting starts of the Leonid, Lyrid, Eta Aquarid, and Perseids meteor showers.  The last meteor I saw that hit the planet was on Jan. 11, 1998 in the skies over Colorado. It weighs only a few pounds and did little damage. Still, the space rock hit the United States. Who was responsible? The CIA, NSA, MI-6, Al Kyda and his friend Telly Band, or the Contra rebels? All of them – you can read about it in the Columbia Missourian, on-line and in the paper, after February 14, 2013.

February 14! How important is this French pagan converted to Christian holiday now that the Earth is doomed? What good is jewelry, furs and other expensive gifts without a contingency plan to survive the 2013 or 2036 or 2040 apocalypse? Who can afford such survival plans? Why the rich of course, so this must be a GOP-Tea Party, Koch brothers and NRA conspiracy to get rid of the middle-class, the poor and those damned liberals.

I wonder if the Church Universal and Triumphant, whose survivalist members live in the caves of Montana just outside Yellowstone National Park, would let “nonbelievers” in – like Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus and everyone else.

Will World News Daily (, the world’s greatest conspiracy daily, pick up this story? They are, after all, predicting that all of the planet’s electronics will be destroyed by a solar flare and we can do nothing about it. It quotes the Royal Academy of Science’s Professor Paul Cannon, chair of the Academy’s asteroid working group, “Our message is, don’t panic…”  All praise Douglas Adams and “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.”

So spread the word: The United Nations and inhabitants of earth-like exoplanet Corot-7b want to destroy United States because of our freedoms and create the United Federation of Planets. We’re doomed.

(Posted in the Columbia Missourian- On line: 2/13/2013  Print: 2/14/2013)

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About David Rosman

David is the winner of the Missouri Press Foundation's "Best Columnist" in 2013 (First Place) and 2014 (Second Place), the 2016 Harold Riback Award for excellence in writing, and the winner of the 2007 Interactive Media Award for excellence in editing.
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